It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
