I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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