I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
