Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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