A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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