Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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