Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
