You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
