I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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