If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
