You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Your penis caused this!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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