I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
