So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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