hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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