Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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