i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
