lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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