I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me