I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
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Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?