here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
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Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
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Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial