I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!