Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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