So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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