Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
