This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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