I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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