She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
