Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
