i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
