whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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