I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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