I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
