I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
