I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i just pee glitter
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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