Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
