Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
