you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
