Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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