either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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