I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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