he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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