So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It's just like the Real World with babies
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
