We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
