I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
