Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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