so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
