i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need to calm my uterus...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
