So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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