You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
