Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
