I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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