remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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