Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
either way he was missing a nipple.
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I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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