Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
