Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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