Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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