he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
