That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We left the knife in your bed.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
