She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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