we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
