you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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