yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
