I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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