if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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